What Do You See

What Do You See?

What do you see when you look at me? Do you see the scar between my eyes or my curly brown hair? Do you wonder what I would look like with blue eyes, or do you notice my eyes are green and be satisfied with what you see? I wonder sometimes if people see the pain that I carry around. What color is my pain? Do you think you know? My pain is black, most of the time. Today my pain is red, however. It is red because my heart is broken and I’m lonely. I was hungry until I found a little bit of food in my refrigerator. Can you see that I am satisfied now? What does that look like anyway?

I wonder what you would think if I told you I am gay, or that I had been emotionally abused in my earlier days. Would you still want to talk to me? Do I look like the kind of person who would allow herself to be abused in any way? Yes? No? What does that look like anyway?

Do you see that I’m struggling to know what to do with my life? Can you see God in me? He’s here. I assure you. But, I’m struggling to reach Him, and I know Him intimately. I wonder if you can see the scars from my past hurts. Hurts that I received from loved ones, well intentioned loved ones. Sure there are scars from those who deliberately used me and caused me pain. But, those don’t hurt as much as the ones that cut like a knife, straight through to the core of my person.

What do you see when you look at me? Do you see that I am educated? What does that look like anyway? Do you see that I want to become your friend? I would actually. I would like to become your friend. It would take some doing on both our parts, however. We come from very different cultures. People would talk about us, maybe behind our backs. Maybe to our faces. Would you still want to be my friend, if it would cause you some grief? I’m a good friend you know. Well, you don’t know. But you could know. That would take more effort on your part. You would have to look deep inside me. Past my outward appearance, since today I am not looking my best and I’m not in the best mood. Can you see that I have had a hard day? What does that look like anyway?

Can you see that my husband is a different race than I am? Does that show in my wedding ring? Can you see that he loves me beyond words and that he calls me his “Queen”. Do I show that in my actions and attitude? Can you see from looking at me, and at my life, that I have a brain- injured brother? How would that make you feel if I told you outloud after the “retard” comment you made. Can you see my pain? What color is it? Where does it sit on my body? What does that look like anyway?

What do you see when you look at me? Can you see that my father is dying and I am sad because I live far away from him? And my siblings are far away too, and my mother. I live down here all by myself. Can you see that my children are all grown? And I love them. Can you see my grandson in my eyes? The twinkle he brings to my heart. And the sorrow of not seeing my granddaughter in over a year. Can you see my heart for her?

What do you see when you look at me? Do you see that I am angry? Can you see that I am lonely? Can you see that I am struggling to make new friends because all of my old friends have fallen away? What can you see in me? Do you see my joy? My delight? The passion I have for my man and the eternal love I have for my children? What does that look like anyway? What color is it? Does my love for others speak to you? What does it say? Does my curiosity about you show? Can you see that I want to know you deeper? Can you see that I value our relationship? Can you see that I want to know more about you, and to have you know more about me? What does that look like anyway?

What do you see when you look at me?

Raisins and Grapes

Raisins and Grapes

I’ve read that you will “know all men by their fruit”. What does this mean? It means what a person’s life amounts to can be summed up in what is the visible outpouring of their actions. Contrary to what a person says, which cannot be seen, what a person does leaves a visible and sometimes tangible mark on the world.

With that in mind, raisin or grapes? Let’s see. Both the same fruit right? Both come from the same vine, yes? Yes. But what’s the difference? Visibly, grapes are much more aesthetically pleasing. They are plump and juicy, and they come in a variety of colors…red, purple, green. Some have seeds and some do not. [We’ll leave the seeds for another blog….] Raisins on the other hand, not so beautiful, shrunken and deformed, lacking any visible signs of life. Raisins taste pretty good though, if you can get past the appearance. They too come in a variety of colors, although they all have the same streak of brown which works to age the fruit and sometimes cause onlookers to scrunch up their face in disgust. Raisins are an acquired taste.

Are you a raisin? What are the things you think about during a day? Are they positive? What type of impact do you think about making on the world around you? What creative ideas do you have to improve your own quality of life and the lives of those in your corner of the world? It’s been said there are “thinkers” and there are “doers”. Which are you? If you are mostly a thinker, don’t fret, thinkers are important. Everything starts with a thought (what a HUGE thought that is!)Are you a doer? If you are a person to get involved in advocacy in any way, shape or form, you are a grape!

Some raisins have a tendency to adversely affect their world. Raisins are people who talk a good talk, but whose actions leave those around them somehow in a lesser state then before. Raisins are those who give false compliments, who make commitments they do not keep, who gossip at the water cooler, who manipulate people for their own gain. In the world of ‘knowing all men by their fruit’, you definitely do not want to be a raisin.

Are you a grape? Why, everyone wants to be a grape(at least in reputation, ouch!) It’s not hard to be a grape. Being a grape is as simple as thinking before you speak, giving honest compliments, practicing the discipline of keeping your hurtful comments to yourself, doing simple favors for strangers (and family!).  Being a grape is walking out the positive thoughts you have in your mind…Putting your hand to your creative ideas that will improve your own quality of life and the lives of those in your corner of the world.

The interesting thing about raisins and grapes is they both grow on the same vine. That said, they both have the potential to be a wonderful compliment to the world. We all share that same potential. Every day we have the opportunity to enrich the lives of those around us. If our ideas wither, if our conversation wilts and decays, if our actions toward one another are manipulative and self-serving, we shrivel up. We dry out and wither like raisins. Then, we will need a very powerful additive to bring us back to form.

Today is an opportunity to look around your life, see the outpouring of the mark you leave on the world. It’s a chance to check your “vine”. Where do you get your information from? Where do you draw your ideas and thoughts from?  Check your vine. Next, check yourself. Your attitude and motivations. Do your own litmus test to see if you are making the mark on your world that you would like to be. How will you be remembered today? If someone else had to write your epitaph, what would it say? Do you agree?

Raisins or grapes. BE the fruit you want to be. Because, man, woman or child, we will know all of you by your fruit.

Boxes

Have you ever taken the time to ponder boxes and what they mean and accomplish? Let’s see, there are big boxes, little boxes, square ones, and rectangle ones. I have even seen tube shaped boxes. What I want to talk to you about today however, is open and closed boxes. Have you ever heard the analogy of people and their boxes? The idea is to compare people, how they live their lives and what motivates them to make the decisions they do, to boxes and how they are aligned in any given situation.

Think on this: I am in my box (big, little, square, etc.) pondering why my life is so chaotic. I look up and realize the box lid is closed over me. It would seem I am running around inside my box, seeing only what I bring into my own view, I communicate only with myself [and the committee in my head]. I get no outside inspiration or edification from anyone else in my life. The opposite can be true to: I am in my box doing my thing, life is good [in my perception], the lid is open, the sun is shining and I’m plugging along in my life. But, I’m still in my own little world. Me, myself, and I. I can’t see out of the top of the box, so I have no idea of what lies next to me, around me, or far away from me.

Life can be like that right? Stuck in a proverbial box. So, what if I stood up? What would I see? The first answer is, I don’t know. The second is like it, I won’t know until I stand up and look outside the box. Let’s try for a minute and see what we get. Stand with me, will you? Oh look! There is a homeless man over there holding a sign! Oh, oh! Over there is a family playing in the park! Well, look at that. Right next to me in the very next box, an elderly couple struggling to mow the grass. On my other side I see a child crying because he misses is daddy, while his mom tries her best to keep the household upright.

Folks, there are people all around us. There is life all around us. Stand up! What’s around you? What’s outside your box? How can it be of help to you? How can you participate in it, and make a positive difference in your corner of the world today?

Are you suffering? Sad? Stuck in a difficult place in life? Stand up. Open the box lid [now that you’ve seen it is close above you]. Don’t allow the darkness to keep you in a sitting position. Stand up! Open the lid. Let in the light. There are people just like you right outside your box. Life is not that mysterious. We are far more alike that we are different. That I guarantee you!

If you are in a good place in life, celebrate it! Enjoy it now because struggle is right around the corner. Life is not static, we are constantly growing and changing. If you are in a difficult place in life, don’t fret, stand up! Get up on your feet! Embrace the challenge and walk into the fear. The challenge will only last a little while [which is a matter of perception], because the good life is right around the corner. Again,life is not static, we are constantly growing and changing. Remember, you’ve got to Go through it to Grow through it. C’mon now, let’s stand up together.

Nature, Nurture and Nomenclature

A funny name for a blog. We all know what nature and nurture are, but what about nomenclature. It’s a cool word really, or maybe it just sounds cool. Nomenclature is defined as “a system or set of terms or symbols especially in a particular science, discipline, or art”. In this blog I will use nomenclature in exchange of cliché. Not only because it rhymes, but because a cliché is a set of sayings derived from past generations and communities (aka a discipline of sorts). On to the more entertaining and educational stuff.

It’s no secret that I am in a biracial relationship with an extraordinarily funny, energetic and delightful black man. I love him to pieces, and he me. Good thing. Keep reading. I’ve also learned that much stress and uncomfortableness in a relationship can be pacified or put to rest through the gentle use of comedy. Better watch out though, it has its faults [as the slippery slope can lead to sarcasm, which is not so funny]. For the benefit of all my white friends, I’ll take one on the chin for you today:

As is our custom sometimes, we make lunch the night before. Last night I put together two very delicious looking salads (complete with dressing on the side) and stuck them in the fridge. This morning, as we were getting ready for work, I went downstairs to retrieve our coffee from our friend and butler, Mr. Coffee. I took the salads from the fridge and set them on the counter. Because I am ever so concerned about my love eating a good healthy meal, I set him out a banana as well. No drink. Did I mention no drink? I brought our coffee back upstairs as we both began our separate time of getting ready for the day. When it was time for him to go, he blessed me with my customary kiss and hug, and a few kind words to see me off. Down the stairs and into the kitchen he went. As he picked up his lunch and strolled toward the door, he said in jest, “What, no drink? What kind of hotel service is this anyway?” From the second floor I chuckled, while bopping over the banister, “You’d gripe if I hung you with a brand new rope!” (Ok, white people, pay attention). He laughed and then ever so gently told me this is not a phrase a person in a relationship with a black man should make. In my mind, it was comic relief. Thankfully he knows my heart. In his usual passionate but humble way, he reminded me of the history of Blacks and hangings. He gave me some very good food for thought. So, I began thinking. This has happened a few times over the past few years and I’m thankful he has a way of gently telling me that my thoughts and words come from a place in history that was not kind to Black folk. Like the origin of the word picnic, but that’s a blog for another day.

Clichés are cute little sayings that are rooted in generations of conversations passed down through our family and culture’s lineage. Generally, they mean no harm, have almost always stood the test of time, and oftentimes are funny. When I think about this particular cliché, it seems harmless to say. As I thought about what my honey told me concerning Black History and hangings, in that light, it’s not so funny. That got me thinking about my upbringing, both nature and nurture. I grew up in white suburbia. Sure, I had friend groups of different racial backgrounds, but I never thought of myself as privileged in any way. To that end, I never thought of being hung in the town square either. Thinking about it though brings a new sensitivity and awareness to my mind. It causes me to pause and ponder. If you’re white, have you ever stopped to consider yourself privileged? Just for being white? I know I haven’t, I’ve been white my entire life and haven’t really thought about being any different. I don’t see myself as privileged, but perhaps I am. I also don’t see myself as racially charged. But, perhaps I’m racially passive aggressive without my knowing it.

I can’t be held accountable for what I don’t know, none of us can. Being genuinely ignorant is neither a sin nor a crime. But should I, as a willfully growing and developing human being, be held accountable for what I do know? Because now, I do know that this cute little funny cliché is only funny when said to a white person. (And now, for me, it’s not funny). I was challenged to ask myself if I’ve ever heard any other ethnic group use that joke (cliché). No. I haven’t. I’ve never thought about that before. What’s the message I’m aiming to share today? Well, it’s simple, it’s never to late to learn what life is about. Dig deeper into your own mind and heart. Dig deeper into your family traditions and explore why we do and say and believe the things we do. Not that any of them are wrong, but perhaps they are. With my new sense of awareness, I’ll make a decided attempt to remove this cliché from my vocabulary and share this new awareness with my children.

That seems like a proactive way to change myself and my community. And thank you honey, for your gentle approach. We both grew today, you in your giving [of information] and me in my receiving [of information]. Now, I pass it on to you, my readers. Challenge yourself to make advancements in yourself, your family and your community. The only way to grow through it is to go through it. Safe travels.

Only In the Here and Now

As I rounded the bend and glanced out my rearview mirror, I saw the most amazing and beautiful sight. The sun was coming up just over the horizon. The red glare was so bright it caused me to think it was a red traffic light. Once my mind caught up with itself and I realized it was the sun coming up from behind me, I quickly grabbed my phone’s camera to capture this moment in time. When I raised my camera up to catch the view, only a bright white light shone back at me. Lowering the camera, I checked the rearview mirror again. Yes, the red globe still hung over the morning sky, yet only white light could be captured on camera.

I thought to myself, “Ok God, I get it. It’s only for here and now”. That got me thinking about what I recall my mom saying for years, “It doesn’t come to stay, it comes to pass.” My next thought was, thank goodness. You see, at the moment I saw the sun blazing in the mirror, I was thinking about my life and the challenges I am currently facing. At times there seems to be no end in sight. The sun reminded me, these challenges, the ones I am presently working through, they are only for the here and now. As I learn to navigate the choices before me and make healthy decisions, I will pass through these challenges and onto the next. Not all challenges are difficult. Some have wonderful, motivational outcomes.

I spent several decades of my life raising children. I used to believe I’d always have them in my daily life. This has proven to be a young mother’s perspective. Adult life, mine and theirs, has shown itself to be a different reality. As I look back on what are now my personal golden years, I recall with gratefulness and joy that my kids were only young once, I raised them in the here and now.  I am looking down the path of the second half of my life now, and I am learning how to be an independent person, separate from a mother or a spouse. I have new challenges to face, new decisions to make. This time, this here and now, is filled with sun drops of red and gold, just as my earlier years.

God was, is, and will forever be, so says He. But, interestingly enough, He is still very much only in the here and now. Take peace for instance, the peace that I experience from a relationship with him can only be felt in the here and now. The grace that I receive for the times I make choices that grieve him, and me, is available to me in that moment. Not before, only in that moment’s here and now. The friendships that I enjoy with others, although some longstanding, are enjoyed in the here and now. And the deep intimacy I experience with my mate is only experienced in the here and now as well.

I’ve come to realize this morning, in the picturesque beauty of the red rising sun, some of God’s best gifts are only available in the here and now. Present beauty, present struggle, present challenge, present grace and peace, present intimacy. The present, my here and now, that’s my gift.